So much yet to learn

Tonight, as I lay in my own bed and ponder whatever seems to pop into my brain, I begin to think of how exciting the future is. I have been enjoying (or wasting…) time on pinterest, repinning different inspirational quotes that seem to be very similar to my own life right now. I realized a few days ago that I need to love myself. Not necessarily change myself, but to just feel love. I started by changing my pinterest board for workout routines (that I never do…) from Need to be Skinny to something quirky and cute like the lyrics ” Let’s get physical, physical”. Changing the objects around me to be more positive toward my own image is my first step towards loving myself. I also have found that when I begin to feel bad about something, I am stopping myself and saying “no, not today. today, I am happy and beautiful”.  Another step towards self love. I realize that multiple times a day with friends or even by myself I put my own body or quirks down. . Such as last night I said ” Oh my god, I’m so weird, you’ll have to introduce me as that weird girl who is obnoxious”. That needs to change. The more I say it, not only will I, myself, be more likely to believe it, but those around me will as well. I’ve always been the type of girl who is insecure in her surroundings. When in a large group, who I feel is “better” than myself, I always worry about how I come across. Am I obnoxious? Annoying? Do I smell? Is my face okay today or am I a total red, pimple-ly mess? I find myself going to say… snap chat someone or tweet at someone and then I stop myself, so I don’t become annoying. This too, must change. I understand that this is such a hard time in life, but it is also the best and most exciting, wild part of life as well. I long to be carefree, but by longing for these things and not making them happen myself, I keep my mind from achieving the ultimate peace with my body and my personality. I tell myself all the time that “today will be the day that I will be awesome” and then the same insecure thoughts pop into my head. 2013, you have brought me so many realizations and it is only the third day.  I looked in the mirror this morning and thought of ways to make myself “prettier”, then stopped myself. Who will think I am beautiful and amazing and wonderful, if I don’t myself? I found the face in the mirror answering back, ” you need to fix this and this and this and this”. In reality, however, I don’t need to fix these little things, such as my face breaking out, or my nail polish being chipped.  Life is way too short to be spent worrying over the little things. Tonight, as I devoured the repins on my dashboard for Pinterest, I saw many quotes that were so inspiring and put them onto my board called “Inspiration”.  I think that I may create a new board and label it “loving myself” and begin a new path in my life.

 

I have decided (just now actually) that I want to change my way of thinking. I have been thinking of all the things that make me feel good inside and good memories. For example.. a group of friends and I got together to watch the “scary” movie Jack Frost. (it is a very lame movie, in case you were wondering). I had spent the day making sugar cookies and decided to take some with me, and everyone loved them, making me feel really good about myself. On NYE, girls that went to my high school and that I have never had much contact with told me I looked beautiful in the dress I specifically bought the day before. My best friend has been taking the time to send me long, wonderful quotes to help me feel better about myself (if you’re reading this, I love you!). There are so many things to be thankful for in life, it just takes a little reminder sometimes to put you on the right track.

So, as I continue to type this long (my apologies!) post to all of you, I sit back and wonder.. what do I really love about myself? It is about time I find that out.

I have always said “Everything happens for a reason”, and I have ALWAYS believed that. Lately that statement has changed to ” God has a reason”. In finding myself this year, I have also found God. In a way that I never have found him before. As mushy gushy as that sounds, it is so true. I feel in my heart, that someone is watching over me. Even though sometimes, it may be easier to not believe that life has a way of working itself out.. it really does. For the better. It’s like that song in Wicked that Glinda and Elphaba sing towards the end of the show called “For Good”… ” Because I knew you, I have been changed for good”. The people that come in and out of life are there for reasons unknown to us. There is some ultimate plan that the universe has deemed necessary. I suppose the point to this entire post is I am ready to love myself. I’ve learned so much already these last few weeks about life and love, happiness. Yet, I have so much more to learn.

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