Things I fear today

Let’s be honest here today, together. We are all human. (unless you’re somehow a dog that is magically reading this screen, like that silly Disney channel show)…We all have fears. Irrational fears sometimes, but none the less, something we honestly truly fear. I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy, season two.. all day while doing my school work for my online classes. I have honestly realized my greatest fear today. I don’t fear death itself. That is a natural element that everyone faces, and God will take me into him arms someday. I fear dying alone. or leaving my loved ones alone. Of not having done something spectacular in my lifetime and doing something meaningful. I worry over the little things in life. You know. The typical college girl stresses. Getting a 4.0, and whether or not the party I’m going to will be the same one that my (recent, still love completely, adorable) ex-boyfriend will be at. Whether or not I get the job I applied for this next week or even if the dermatologist i am seeing tomorrow will be able to give me clear skin. But for what? Why do we, as human beings, stress over every little obligation and social aspect of life? I can feel the tension at the nape of my neck as I work through each math problem diligently. As I budget my cash flow for the next month until I find a reasonable job. I stress about missing out on things socially while I work. Why do I allow myself to do that? I stay up half the night letting my mind run wild and rampant. Wishing I could get some sleep. Missing him, wondering what would have happened if I had picked the right school to begin with. Wondering where the hell I will be in four years. Asking myself if I really want to live here with them or live over there with someone else. Why do I fear talking to a therapist, a complete stranger.. when I cans strike up a conversation with anyone else? Stress overcomes people. It tears us apart until we feel like pulling our hair out ( and in some cases, until we DO pull our hair out). To what point does this end? When do we learn to pull ourselves together and do something wonderful? Some people join the peace corps. Some people feed children in third world countries. As for myself? I don’t know what I’ll do yet. I’m just trying to make it through college.

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