Thank You for Teaching Me to Live

      Many of my thoughts during the day lately still revolve around that one guy ( my recent ex). Every where I go has some old memory resurfacing at any opportunity. Passing by a high school we saw a show at once brought back the night we saw a play with a mutual best friend, and had dinner at our friends house together. I have him to thank for introducing me to one of my best friends. I was eating in the cafe last night with the group I’ve been spending all my free time with and I looked up to see an almost familiar face come closer. My heart stopped beating and I instantly wanted to cry because it looked exactly like him. It was not, thank God, because I am not sure what I would have done if it was him. I was at a restaurant, the same one that we always went to together, and I ordered the usual, which brought up memories of every date, family dinner and friend gathering we had there. The casual smiles over a silly joke someone said. We were so in love with each other. Wrapped up in a little bubble, our own world. I adore this kid. I say this in present tense because I am still wrapped around his finger. I know deep down that if he asked for me back, I would seriously consider it. I walk around the neighborhood and remember every time we went to this little park nearby or walked one of my dogs around the block. I see us getting Biggby coffee together and walking around the mall, discussing the wonders of the world and things that we wished would happen. I realize now, that in the end, things were not the best between us. We became exactly what I feared we would. Distance was destroying us. I was no longer his prime confidant. I was the girlfriend he wanted to breakup with but had spent so much time with, he didn’t know how to. Someone he would always remember fondly, but not  someone he could see himself spending more time with. He changed. and I remained at the same point. I was stuck inside this hole I dug for myself. Feeling guilty for everything, wishing I could see how much our relationship was holding him back. I came across a picture of us the other day. Before college became a worry and life was still everything I had ever dreamed it would be. I am reminded of him with almost everything. The good times, the bad times, the romantically perfect times. How was I so set on forever with someone I knew could not be with anyone without having a huge fear of commitment? He wasn’t all bad. He was a good boyfriend to me over the years. Being there for me in a way no one else could. I miss the cuddling. I miss knowing he was always there to hold my hand when the future seemed dark and dim. He could comfort me in ways others couldn’t. I was watching a movie the other day that we had watched together, and I was feeling blissful, remembering how whenever we watched movies I felt comfortable enough to fall asleep on the couch and feel safe, knowing he was there. He taught me that when you give something a chance, it can grow to be a thing so amazing, so wonderful… He brought me to God. He helped me believe that miracles do happen. For some crazy reason, unknown to me, God decided we were done, time to move on. He taught me more than that though. He taught me that it’s okay to live a little and maybe worrying about the little things isn’t necessary. You want to know the worst part? He taught me the most when he broke up with me. I learned more about who I am meant to be now, as a single person. He taught me that some guys are jerks, who turn around and have new girls not even a month after your three year relationship ends. High school sweethearts are bittersweet, destined to end, but wonderful to have. I don’t need a guy to go on with life. I am an amazing person, and people actually like me for who I am, not just because I am ” so and so’s girlfriend”. I guess what I am trying to say, is I want to thank him. For teaching me to live. And even though these last few months have been so difficult, and I’m not over you, I am beginning to realize maybe this is for the better. Everything is going to be okay.

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