I have had a set back in my own mind today. I spent hours sobbing over season five of Grey’s Anatomy today and then had two friends cancel for two different occasions. That made me feel plain upset. and done. Ready to fall asleep and wake up late tomorrow feeling okay with the world. I decided to post a picture for you guys instead of a long winded post because I am just not feeling up to writing a bunch tonight. I wish I had season six of Grey’s at my disposal so that I could know what happens… ( no spoilers guys!) Tomorrow will be another day and I know deep down everything is okay.
My grandmother would be saying to me “stop feeling sorry for yourself” or “now that’s ridiculous”. It’s days like this when I can still hear her call me “sugarplum” or miss the smell of her pacquins lotion. Or the reeses she would sneak to me at night time when Grandpa went to sleep. The constant support. Three years ago my best friend died. Sometimes the pain lingers for a while longer than usual. Those times are like today. Sometimes I can make it awhile without missing her too much and think about all the wonderful times we had going to Barnes and Noble, getting a book and bookmark to use together. Singing children songs in the car on the way to get at a restaurant, or the time that she spent two weeks rubbing my feet when I ate too much mint, had an allergic reaction and my entire body was so swollen I couldn’t walk. (I was a tiny second grader with tiny feet and hives everywhere… a balloon with dots basically!) We would talk about everything. I know deep down she is proud of me and looking out for me. There are signs of her everywhere. Once, during a singing competition in high school, her last name was on the whiteboard of the room I was in… I ended up getting a perfect score that day.
It is always hard to imagine life without someone you love so dearly, but then you take a step back and maybe not consciously see, but feel them there. The memories, the handwritten cards, the recipes, and pictures… all are that person. I guess what I am trying to say is I know Grandma is physically gone from this earth. but in a way she is not truly gone. She is here with me, every step of the way, in my heart. I see her in my mother and aunt on a daily basis. I can only hope that I grow up to be at least half of the woman I know she was.
God bless her soul. Rest In Peace, Grandma. I love you. Always have and Always Will. 01/18/2010.