I wish I could write you a letter. Explaining everything to you in one page. All the anger, the frustration, the hate. My feelings pouring out onto a page with plain black ink. Without the little hearts and swirls all over the love letters I used to write you. I would tell you that I still love you. I would explain that there are still feelings here for you and a home in my arms for you to come back to. I would tell you how I have changed. How I have moved on somewhat and am learning to be an independent woman. I’m falling in love all over again. Not with another person though, with myself. Learning to love myself. I truly do love me. I know when we were together I didn’t. and Maybe you and I were fantastic while we lasted, but in the end I know things were not going great. We were tearing each other apart.
If I wrote you a letter, I would throw caution to the wind and tell you everything as is. I wouldn’t be the same shy, scared of losing you girl that I was four months ago. I have tried things that I never would have with you. I have let go of being someone who hates everything that makes up their personality. I blog. Despite the fact that you once told me it was silly to do so. I wear make up, because once upon a time you told me you preferred me to not wear it. I spend as much money as I want, because when we went shopping you always told me I didn’t need any of the things I wanted. I eat what I want, and no longer get crap for not liking something. We broke up, and despite the fact that you told me I should not come home and transfer schools, I did this. I know that to me, the worst thing in the world was losing you. Well, guess what. I lost you. I lost you to another girl.
My letter would tell you not only the negative things, but the positive. You taught me to love, freely. To give everything to a relationship. You taught me that the past is in the past, and I can’t change it. You taught me to take risks and to learn, but also what I will not allow in my next relationship. I have learned that I deserve the best there is out there and not a coward like you. I shouldn’t have stayed for so long, with someone who didn’t keep promises. I kept my promises. There was one promise I wish I had broken. Before I left, you told me everyday how scared you were to lose me, yet you are the one who let go of me. Well look at me now. I have not fallen apart. I may have strayed from the path for awhile, but I am coming back twice the person I once was.
This letter would tell you how excited I am for my future. How I can’t wait to start over next year in a new dorm and school and classes. I met this great group of people and you can’t take that away from me. I stay up thinking about how different my life might be if I had gone to this school originally. I think about how when I see you with that girl, because it will inevitably happen, how torn apart I will be. I’ll call up E, and I’ll cry a bit, and she’ll remind me how much better my life has been without you.
Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change the last three years for anything in the world. You made me come out of my shell and high school was the experience it was because of you. I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am that God brought me you, when I needed you the most.
First loves are always so difficult to end. They can be rocky like ours was. We loved each other. Or at least I know I love you. Now, I think about how much you actually “loved” me. I will never know the real answer to this because I won’t allow you to know these things. I won’t go back to you, with the way things are now. I won’t allow myself to feel sorry that I no longer have you. You held me back from everything I am doing now. If you knew I spent a majority of my time with E and a bunch of guys she met at State, your jealousy would sky rocket and you would reprimand me for it.
You’re gone now, and I have been so lucky to have what we had at such a young age. Now, I am moving on. Today. You can’t hold me back anymore. I wish you luck. I love you for everything you used to be. and now all I have to say is Thanks for the memories.