Another Letter To You

Hi.

That’s the simplest greeting I can think of when I imagine how I would speak to you if we ever ran into each other again. Hi. I want to ask how you are, but I don’t want to hear the answer. Is knowing deep down you’re okay and doing so well a good enough excuse to not ask you? I want to convince myself that it is. I want to convince myself that you are no longer important to me.

I should ask what is new. I probably won’t. I don’t want to know of the things you have been doing without me, when we did everything together before.

We were a package deal. 

I used to always say ” I never want to be that couple that is a package deal, you get one and the other” but honey, that is exactly what we were. A package deal. Two peas in a pod.

I stumbled across a letter I typed to you one day in the back files in my computer and couldn’t bring myself to part with it. I was reminded of our inside jokes and the sweet nick names we had for each other or sayings. I remembered driving in your car with you for this first time and the amazing sense of freedom we felt. We could talk about anything and everything. 

Our love was infinite in a way. So magical feeling and so perfect, even if we both knew deep down that some day it had to end. 

Sometimes, I think that if I had done something different, we would still be infinite and magical, but I know there was nothing I could have done. At some point, your heart was no longer mine to keep. And maybe it never was.

Do you remember that cold night we spent outside on the lawns at school and watched the stars? We laid there for what seemed like forever, laughing, eating, and thinking about anything. I remember the look in your eyes when I glanced your way and saw you looking at me. I will never forget that feeling.

Do you remember when we drove to the beach for the day? And watched the sunset on the pier? I felt so special that day because I finally got to show you off. Little did I know that I wouldn’t have you for much longer. Little did I know.

I remember watching countless movies in the basement of my house, eating mac and cheese. That was our thing. I used to have a problem eating mac and cheese since you left, but that is no longer the case. 

I have begun to laugh at the silly things we did and the happy memories. It keeps me going. Like, how you loved to tickle my left foot because I squealed every time. The look on your face when you think something is really funny. Or how you use different voices to make me laugh. I remember it all.

A friend once told me that it takes 17 months and 21 days to get over someone. It has been five months exactly today. So another year and 21 days, then I’ll be golden right? Maybe someday I won’t love you anymore. 

I find that everything reminds me of you in some way. I saw American Idiot (the musical), and realized through the entire thing, I kept seeing things I wanted to discuss with you. I hope you had a chance to see this.

The nice thing about being memories is the good ones don’t make me feel awful anymore. They make me smile and remember how good and wonderful our relationship was. It still feels so weird to say that our relationship “was” or “used to be”. It is always a shock to see your mother on facebook because she posts about you all the time and is so proud of you. I hope you know how proud of you she is. How proud I was of you. When We used to be. I can’t say I’m proud now, because I don’t think I know you like I used to. 

I hope you know how much I truly love you. I hope you think back on me fondly and remember the person you knew and adored in high school. I hope you get everything you want in life, because someday I know you will have the girl and life you have always dreamed of. Even if she isn’t me.

“I hope you dance”.

I wouldn’t ask you how you are. I wouldn’t ask anything. I would just say hi. That is the simplest greeting I can think of. 

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