My life has finally been coming back together. I started my new job working with kids, Successfully had a Tuberculosis test (for my job) without passing out, got my acceptance letter to my transfer college, and signed up for a free month of Netflix…. All in the name of getting my life back together. I’ve been a little MIA lately because so much has been going on. I’ve been writing my novel, rehearsing for my show in June, trying to get myself to work out and train for my 5k in July… (which hasn’t been going too well..) and regaining the happiness I once had, before hell broke loose.
I find myself at a weird place. I seem to have amazing days where I am so happy, yet days when I am completely and totally sad. I keep telling myself that if I only wait until “insert event here” then I will be completely happy. The only problem with this seems to be…. is anyone ever truly happy? The musings of my mind have gone over this again and again. I question life’s little things so much and seem to cause myself great anxiety with that.
I long to be the 4.0 perfect girl who is toned and beautiful, along with the perfect boyfriend and a happy life with no sorrow. It is hard to imagine that my ideal self… can’t exist.
The other day I was watching The Aristocats on Netflix ( a favorite Disney movie of mine), and telling a friend about it. She teased me and said ” you are the only person on the face of the planet not watching Arrested Development,” to which I replied ” I am too hipster for that” in turn making her laugh at my joke and me realizing… is that what I long to be? My own definition of “hipster”?
My own definition of Hipster? The person I imagine myself becoming slowly over time. This person would be:
- A writer
- major coffee drinker
- totally into style, but not the style that is deemed popular. still looks cute though
- sitting in a small town (or big city) coffee shop, same one, same time, always drinking the “usual” typing. Who knows what they are typing, they just type.
- leggings with an over-sized tee are a must..
- they have a special pen or preferred color of ink they write with
- They look fantastic in glasses, even if they don’t need them
- Not only do they read magazines such as cosmo ( or if you’re a man… esquire?), but magazines of literature, science and nature.
- has a 4.0
- is toned in a subtle way, that is only noticeable when looked for
I could go on and on with this list. The more I type, the more I realize that I long to classify myself in a specific stereotype. Maybe to feel like I fit in, maybe to feel like I have a sense of purpose to my life. Or Maybe this isn’t my definition of “hipster” at all.. maybe it is just the scene I picture myself in and haven’t had the chance to make that scene happen with all the awful things that have been in the past year.
As the rain pours on my roof top, I listen for the thunder that I know will sound and I feel… a sense of peace. I know that while maybe right now I am freaked out inside and feeling so awfully alone, that I will not remain so.