More feelings… More compassion

Today has been an absolute roller coaster of feelings. Anger. Worry. Happiness. Warmth. Sadness. Pain. Gratefulness. Utter Contentedness. Strength. All such seemingly simple emotions and I assume you know them. 

Anger- Today I felt a bitter taste in my mouth. I remembered all the awful things that have happened in the last year. This month is a month of anniversaries. The car accident. Anger at the girl who put me in that situation. The back pain and fear of accidents that I still have one year later. The anger at  my old roommate’s mom who had the audacity to ask if she needed to drive up to meet me at the hospital when her daughter tried to take her own life.

Frustration at the guy who broke my heart and left me for another girl, the things I wish i would have said often run through my head.

Worry- “Am I in the right major?” ” Do I have what it takes to do this?” “Is my anxiety something that will hold me back in life?” “Can I do everything I want to in life”

Happiness- Transferring school was the best decision I’ve ever made. I am so happy at times here, and I have now found my niche. I joined a sorority, have made new friends and maybe left some behind, met a really sweet guy and landed an awesome job. Which none of this means happiness, I know that. But compared to the girl I was a year ago, all of these things mean something happy for me. 

Warmth-  I have a feeling of complete warmth in my heart and I am giddy again. I find myself trying to explain the exact feeling to you and as I walked to the hotel where my night class is and I smelled fall leaves with the crisp air and knew in that moment, everything was okay.  I fought the overwhelming urge to smile, and after awhile… I did. 

Sadness- Knowing that someone you once “loved” now is “loving another”, its an overpowering feeling, that makes you just want to sit and watch Netflix with a jar of Nutella.

Pain: That emotional crimp in your heart that comes and goes, the purging of emotions when a moment comes back to you and you either wish for it to come back or you want to tell the person who put the pain there to “eff off”.

Grateful- I have so much in my life and when someone was inspired to help me out financially, my tears were boundless. I had utter and endless faith and prayers. Something that means so much to me, and who I am or who I am going to become.  Thank you Grandpa for everything and I know that Grandma is smiling down on us today.

Strength- My last emotion for this post is how I feel about my progress. I have learned that no matter what happens, I am a strong, independent woman who can achieve so much and the man who can’t see that is not worth my time or energy.

Now while this week has been a roller coaster, I find that it is one that I love, because it has provided me with opportunities to grow and learn. To become the woman I am meant to be. 

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