This morning as I slowly awoke to the sounds of people in the hallway, I reached over (begrudgingly) to my phone. I felt the rush of panic enter my heart as I realized that my alarm never went off and I had about ten minutes till I had to leave for my lab. I silently apologized to anyone who had to see my appearance that morning and slowly forgot about it as I worked my way across campus. The sounds around me began to envelope me in a cloud of noise and I hurried down the sidewalk, overly dressed in my long, puffy Northface down jacket. “Free hot chocolate” rang in my ears and I took a mental note to stop by after class. The wind was brisk, but it felt nice as I overheated. I came to the assumption that no one cared what coat I wore or why.
After my lab, back in my dorm, laying on the floor and relaxing my shoulders after a stressful rush to lab, I noticed how nice it was to just be. I was reminded of my happy place. The place I go to in my mind when I am relaxing during yoga and I went there once more. The silence was broken by my phone going off. I should put it on mute more often.
I was on the bus earlier, going to someplace that I don’t remember where, and a small, shy thought appeared. Memories that used to make me break down and cry are now making me smile. I was able to remember the times that he and I laughed and how happy I felt. That happiness was emulated once more in my face and I realized, I am okay. It has been almost a year since we broke up and it amazes me how much I have changed. I find myself wondering sometimes how he has changed. Or if I ever really knew him to begin with.
I remember in particular, one day when we went and laid outside on campus to look at the stars above. It was freezing outside (literally, the ground was frozen) and we just laid there. It’s nice to just be sometimes. There was another time, before we were really dating, when we got out of a rehearsal in high school and it was the first snow. While waiting for our parents to arrive, we had a snowball fight. That was so fun. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering the good things about what we had, and can only remember the bad things. Sometimes, this makes it easier and others…. not so much.
Whenever I feel nostalgic, there is usually a reasoning behind it, such as today- I was eating in a cafeteria that I am usually not around and the trees outside were so pure and gorgeous. A golden apple color and it was deliciously fall. I wish I had taken a picture of it to be able to show, but I did not think at the time that the image would make such an impact on my day.
Take a moment and soak in everything about this season, it’s almost gone.