How does one begin to describe their life to a complete stranger? I’ve never had to do that before. I find myself at an interesting place in life. I’m between schools, recently single and sometimes lost in this huge world. What I always wonder about someone is what has happened to make you who you are today? What have you experienced that has given your life new meaning or purpose? Is there an event that has happened to you that you can’t seem to deal with? Maybe something wonderful has happened to you and it made you a happier person. All of these things some what apply to myself. I’ve spent the last six months miserable and slowly… very slowly… I’m learning that it isn’t about those material possessions and how things look on paper. Not at all. Have you come to that realization at some point in life? I also have found God in this last year. Have you found someone to believe in? Someone to look up to? I can answer all of these questions about myself.
As a woman just starting out in life ( and college), I find myself pondering things that I have never really taken time to look at before. What do you want to know about me? My favorite things? Personality quirks? All of those are surface things, and maybe you can’t really know exactly who I am through paper (or in this case a screen…) and I pray that someday I can have the courage to fully explain everything that makes me who I am today. For now.. this is what I can share….
I find myself always wondering and second-guessing myself.
I make lists. and goals. and love to organize my things in a planner.
I am obsessed with designers, even if I can’t afford them. I don’t buy things to make myself look “cool”, I buy them because I like them and they make me feel good. Vera Bradley…. Forever 21…. Coach…. Michael Kors…… OPI Nail Polish… you name it, if it is preppy… I probably like it.
Purple is an amazing color, my favorite if I had to say one, but I also find myself into other colors as well… except red. I think of red and all I think of is blood or evil.
Books are a passion, and meant to be treasured. My kindle is one of my most prized possessions.
Now as all of those things are true about me, they don’t dig into my past. My past isn’t totally amazing and flawless, but it is not completely horrible either. I do love my life, even if I need a little reminding.
I’ve been through some rough shit. I won’t explain what happened when I was young, I’m not ready to confess that to the internet world of bloggers such as myself. I feel my story that I can share begins when I was in high school. Around the time I met my long term ex-boyfriend and started dating, my grandmother passed away. She was my rock. My idol. Grandma’s house was where I longed to be all of the time. God wasn’t apart of my life then and neither was any unhappiness. She was everything to me. A best friend who always knew what was best. She died and I think perhaps a part of me did too. That’s where my ex comes into play. I know God brought him to me for a reason.
We went on in life… well as much as a high school student can live. I continued on with the things I loved, went through some times where food was my enemy and on I went. Slowly but surely falling in love with not only my boyfriend, but my best friend. The guy who took the place that my grandmother held so dearly in my heart. We were inseparable. Never went to events alone, always side by side. He introduced me to a mutual friend. Who then became my best friend as well. The three of us became the the equivalent to Harry, Ron and Hermoine. (If you don’t know this reference in the 21st century world… FOR SHAME!) The routine was set. Weekends were spent doing things for choir or watching movies and giggling and saying words of love and sharing our woes. Fall was for the musical, spring for the play and summers were spent by the lake in our home town. By the time senior year rolled around, I was so comfortable in my position and finally feeling worthy of something. I spent senior year worrying about leaving for college. Worrying I would lose the one person I told everything to and held (and still do in a way) so close to my heart. I regret not enjoying and savoring every last minute with him and my class. I was so naive then, however, and when summer and graduation rolled around.. I didn’t even notice how time flew by.
College was upon my doorstep before I knew it. I was moving out and onto a dorm over 45 minutes away from the guy I told ” I love you” to everyday. Fall is one of my favorite seasons. This time was so exciting and I found myself happy to leave, but something was pulling and nagging me in the back of my brain. I should have listened. By the time October rolled around, I was somewhat happy, yet longing to be home. I made friends, yes, but not the kind of friendships I longed for. Soon enough, my world was turning upside down. I was in an awful car crash, because of some stupid girl, who made a foolish decision. Wrecked her car, and screwed up my back. My roommate a week later, attempted suicide (she is okay, thank God.) and I found her, in our room. I stayed at the hospital with one of my friends for what seemed like a century (6 hours in actuality). After she moved out, I lived alone for months. In this two bedroom dorm, slowly becoming what I know now to be depressed. I spent my time not going to classes I needed to go to, instead opting to sleep the day away. My boyfriend at the time, was finding and meeting new people and realizing he no longer loved me. When he finally told me, it had been a month or so since he realized it.. and left me shattered to pieces. With nothing left of my heart, except what he handed back, used and broken. I felt so betrayed. Still do. My “friends” at school ditched me. Didn’t say a single word to me. Just went on the promise of one of our friend who was pissed off because I had decided to transfer back home. I felt useless. The old feelings of not feeling worthy and feeling awful about myself came back. I stopped eating again, lost some weight. I spent a month feeling sorry for myself and feeling awful. Thankfully, I had a support system back home.
The new year came and I realized, no more self wallowing. Through a good friend, I met this great group of people, who I have spent every weekend with for the past month. I am in love with spending my weekends on the campus near by. I’m looking for a job and working on my school work.. getting past this. I am falling even more into the arms of God. Slowly learning he has a plan and will always be there for me. I know eventually, I’ll get back up on my feet. I have learned so much about myself, now that my ex is out of my life. God has a purpose for everything. I may not know all the answers now, but I know he has me in the palm of his hand.
This is my story, I would love to know yours! Leave a comment below with a link to your own blog or even tell me your story in the comments below. I’m a people person, and I promise I don’t bite.